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Boundaries 101
First impressions are a lie. Not because it isn’t fair to judge someone on how they may come across to you the first time you interact with them, but because people are constantly evolving.
We’re not stagnant as humans, but we’re also not socialized very well.
We grow up mimicking how our parents and relatives interact with other people- like, it’s not weird to hear your mom or aunt greet an old friend by saying, “Oh hi, Pinkie! Look at you- you’ve gotten so fat!”
There’s something generally wrong with that line of approach- when you meet someone you want them to feel welcomed, not have them think about investing in Herbalife- don’t get me wrong, getting healthy isn’t a bad thing, but it shouldn’t be because you’ve been bullied by family and friends.
Everyone has things that they are sensitive about and would like to be respected, but somehow, that fact falls to the wayside when someone(s) has something they feel is more important than how, what they say, could have negatively affected the people around them. This is where boundaries come in.
What is a Boundary?
A boundary is a line that marks a limit, for an area.
However, since humans are not areas, in this context, a boundary refers to an emotional barrier that an individual sets up for themselves, that the people in their lives are to avoid crossing for one’s emotional well-being.
For example, let’s say, you don’t like being hugged, but you have a friend who greets everyone with a hug.
Although your friend may not have intended to, they crossed one of your boundaries.
It’s important to establish what your boundaries are, so that you’re able to better maintain them- after all, who’s best suited to looking out for your well-being, then yourself?
Beginning the conversation about boundaries can be very uncomfortable, but it’s necessary for your overall well-being, especially within a Higher Education setting. It’s not that people won’t or don’t care- they just won’t know until the subject of boundaries has been discussed
Between assignments, socialising and a whole host of other responsibilities, a good way to get started on establishing your boundaries is to them down.
I’ll share one of mine as an example to help: I don’t like it when friends show up to my home, unannounced. Not because I don’t want to see them or hang out, but I don’t like to have my space invaded, as my alone time is something that is very important to me.
As such, after some time, I was able to make my friends aware that they were welcome to visit me, but they had to send me a text, two days in advance. That way, I would be able to prepare for that visit, without feeling as if my alone time was disregarded.
I add though, that it sometimes isn’t easy to maintain your boundaries, especially if it feels like you’re hurting someone’s feelings. Here are some sentences you can use to maintain your boundaries in social situations:
“I know that you don’t mean to offend me, but I would prefer if we didn’t talk about that now.”
“I hear you, but you hurt me and this how you cannot hurt me again, in the future.”
“Please don’t do that. It makes me uncomfortable.”
“I said, “no”. Please respect that.”
The biggest thing to remember when getting to know your boundaries and maintaining them, is knowing that it is a process and something to learn. Take your time; small steps are the way we can get to where we want to be.
Last updated Tuesday November 23, 2021
